Here is a guide made up of anonymous students residing at the renowned College Park High School, from baby freshmen to wise seniors, each offering their earnest advice on tips for the night before STAAR.
1) Eat 17 red gummy bears – No more, no less. This may seem quite random, but the process has gone through some serious work; the brilliant students of College Park really put their minds together for 13 whole seconds to formulate this optimized meal plan that leads to the best results for test day. And it will all make sense in the next two paragraphs until it seems so obvious you may wonder how you missed it.
First: the explanation behind the number 17. See, this starts with the fact that 6*7 is 42. At first, it causes a commotion of inward giggles at the “6 7” until the source of giggling immediately mutes, once they remember that this was a thing left behind in 2025. The word “behind” mathematically corresponds to the minus (-) symbol. Finally, 2025 can also be written as ‘25. Therefore, when the three terms are put together, 42-25, the number 17 emerges. Simple mathematics.
The reasoning behind red gummy bears comes from the fact that before test day, one’s insides may feel a bit mushy. One’s insides are also red in color. Very wise people say that recognition is the key to comfort. Therefore, red gummy bears, which are mushy and red, are the perfect thing to place in one’s body to not raise any panic before test day. Simple biology.
Even more, the math and biology learned from this explanation is more than enough to earn a perfect A on the math and biology STAAR, even if you slept through class the entire year. Now time for English and His—
CODE RED!!!
With sincere apologies, I regret to inform you that this was the only piece of advice I was able to obtain from the students. The interview was cut short due to every student vomiting a mysterious, chunky red liquid.
Hmmm…maybe I should write a column about how to get over the nerves of getting interviewed by an insanely charismatic, genius, best-smelling journalist next.
