Introduction to the Guide:

Weddings. The most stressful time of year for all the non-dancers out there. Somehow, peer pressure always prompts us to find a way to fit in with the rest of the group. And while everyone else seems to be a professional, busting out moves worthy of a Broadway show, we’re there, awkwardly swaying, not knowing what to do with our hands, and praying that we don’t trip over our own feet.  It’s the worst feeling in the world, when you are piling your plate with delicious wedding food, and getting ready to scarf it down as fast as you can with none of your dignity left, when someone, usually the family member that you barely know, drags you onto the dance floor. 

Seriously, this is how the conversation goes:

Random Family Member: “Hey, come dance!” 

Me: “Oh (awkward laugh) I’m good.” 

Random Family Member: “Come on, it will be really fun.” 

Me: “No thanks. I actually was really looking forward to eating this amazing food.” 

Random Family Member: “Nonsense, that can wait, let’s go.” 

Me: “No, it’s really ok. I’m fine staying right here.” 

Then they will smile in a way that they think looks sweet but really seems kind of scary, resembling way too much like the joker. They grab your wrist with a death grip, tighter than a cranky toddler who doesn’t want to let go of their favorite toy, and practically fling you 10 feet onto the dance floor, with the surprising strength you would have never expected from their 5 feet 100 lbs body. Really… no one else? Well, I guess I may have been a teensy bit too specific. 

Regardless, you guys have probably had to get out of dancing in one situation or another. You may find this guide to be useful. If not, I envy you and please come to teach me dancing lessons because I look like an octopus trying to untangle itself from a bush, after being badly knotted into it. No really, just take a moment and visualize it…. or don’t. But anyways here are some solutions that I have gotten from my own experience after years of trying to get out of dancing that will work amazing.. These methods are tried, tested, but also novel and no one will suspect a thing…

Method 1-  Mimic “The Cartoon”

The only material you will need for this method is a banana. Oh, and you also need to make sure you have pockets in your outfit. Before the wedding starts, place the banana in your pocket.

This time when you are pulled to dance, don’t fear, the banana peel is here. Simply unpeel the banana and when the music turns on, discreetly take the peel out of your hidden pocket and throw it on the floor. Then fall over the banana peel and scream as loudly as you can. The crowd will swerve and gasp. And you will be allowed to sit out of all dancing and eat food to your heart’s desire without a single soul that will bother you to dance.

PROS: 

• Works very quickly (within 20 seconds)
• Extremely cheap…all you need is a banana

CONS:

• May result in back injury that could last many weeks + is painful. Do NOT attempt if you have to be in even “ok” physical condition in the upcoming weeks. 
• Some of the immature audience may make fun of you for slipping over a banana peel.
• Your clothes may smell like banana for the rest of the wedding

Method 2- Laces take away Spaces

The materials you will need for this are a cookie, shoes that have laces, and an annoying sibling (preferably younger). Sit next to your sibling for this plan to start (I know. I know. I’m making you go into the vicinity of your irritating brother or sister, but trust me…it will be totally worth it). 

Then take the cookie and wave it in front of their face in a super slow manner as if you are trying to hypnotize them. If their eyes move along with the cookie then you struck gold. Take the cookie and place it underneath the table where your little sibling will follow. Now it’s time to use your shoes- tie your laces together. 

Finally, exclaim in a loud voice to the people at the wedding: “Oh no! My shoes are tied together so I won’t be able to dance!!”

And then the crowd will go wild, tearing up in pity for you. All of them would shout, “Nooooo!!! How are you supposed to dance when your shoes are stuck 2 inches apart? But since you would never tie your shoes together on purpose, who could have done such an atrocious thing?”

Then, at the perfect moment, your little sibling would have finished the cookie and crawled out from under the table which was conveniently right next to your feet. 

“AHA,” a random genius in the audience will exclaim,“It was your sibling.” 

Mouth being full of cookies and probably on the verge of a sugar rush, he or she wouldn’t be able to say anything to defend themself. And then your sibling would get in trouble, and since your shoe laces are tied together, you couldn’t walk or dance, so no one would bother you.

PROS:

• You get your sibling in trouble which is always a major advantage (unless you’re not cruel like me or you actually have a nice, kind…No. That’s not possible)

CONS:

• If you are using a chocolate chip cookie, and it is hot outside, it may melt and make your fingers dirty. 
• Your sibling doesn’t know how to tie shoe laces and everyone at the wedding knows that.

Method 3- Gaslight People in a Nice Way  

This is definitely the best method out of the three. It will require the most effort, take up the most time and money, but if the previous two don’t work, I can guarantee you that this one will. You will need a flip flop, a tiara, two googly eyes, a paper, and a marker. 

To start, shout in a dramatic voice and point to the exit of the wedding room, “Free coupons outside!!” 

Now, let the magic happen. Everyone (including the staff) will desert the room in five seconds flat, sprinting, pushing past each other desperate for the free coupons.  You’ve bought yourself at least two-four minutes depending on the IQ level of the group. 

Next take your flip flop and attach the two googly eyes to it. Place the crown on the around its sole and strap so it fits snuggly. Place the finished product in the middle of the dance floor. Then, take your maker and write this exact message word for word on the paper (make sure to write small so that it fits)-

 “I AM THE FLIP FLOP KING. IT IS YOUR HONOR THAT I HAVE DECIDED TO HAVE THIS SPOT AS MY RESTING POINT. MOVE ME AND YOU WILL REGRET IT. LET ME STAY AND YOU WILL BE REWARDED…IN PENNIES.” 

Place the message right in front of the flip flop. By now, most of the people would be on their way back into the wedding room, disgruntled that they couldn’t find any free coupons. But quickly they will spot the flip flop, and an immediate hush would come over the group.

One person would walk up to the flip flop, spot the message, and read it outloud. And as they read, awe will light up in the entire crowd’s eyes. They will all, in unison, bow to the flip flop, chanting “Hail King Flip Flop!!!” 

They will make sure not to remove it, being so excited about the prospect of the pennies (especially since weddings are so expensive). And BAM! Since they can’t move the flip flop, no one would dance in fear of tripping over and hurting King Flip Flop. 

PROS:

• Will always work. People take it seriously when it comes to angering a piece of shoe wear. And…everyone loves free pennies.

CONS:

• This is probably the most expensive method. You have to buy the flip flop and googly eyes. However, modifications can be made. You can use any piece of old shoes and simply draw eyes on it. 

So I hope that you found these solutions helpful. I always love to contribute in making people’s lives easier, and I hope this really removes a big weight off your shoulders, now that you don’t have to worry about embarrassing yourself while dancing. Remember, any problem has a solution if you are just creative enough to find it.